Hello www.really-haunted.blogspot.com . It's been some time since we last talked. Well, what should I say? It's a new year and I won't judge it just yet. Things have been okay lately and I'm really glad.
I received my Common Test results recently, and they're much better then what I got semester. For sometime now I've been stagnant in what I've been doing and I'm glad that there has been improvements even in the slightest details of life. During the Christmas break as well I've been trying to improve non-academically by gymming with a friend of mine. I can't say how glad I am to mention time and time again that I've improved, cause that's what I want to see in my life; improvement.
Why do I so desperately want to be better? Well, that's because it's goal #2 in my list of goals/resolutions for the year, if you read the post before the previous one you would know. Although small, I can see my achievements helping me to reach my goal of returning back to the team. My academic results were the reasons why I was forced to let go of the team and I'm sure I'll be back soon.
Cheering is that something special which never fails to put a smile on my face after a tough day of training. I want to carry that smile once again. No matter how much I try to stay cheerful and to see the cup half full instead of half empty, there is always that unknown factor which pokes you're heart and reminds you of the past. I guess some of us can relate to it huh? I've tried to be more sociable and I can see my circle of friends increasing but it still feels incomplete.
It just drains me all of my emotions just to stay positive for a minute. And the moment I reach home my bag of smiles goes empty, leaving the stern face I wear on the bus, lagging behind. How can I smile? When the person who brought me joy all along isn't around anymore. Sometimes I'm so confused, I feel like stabbing my self right in the head. Ahhh, I really don't know what to do right now. I feel like a bad person.
Have you ever had this feeling? Whereby you lose something you treasure, hoping that one day it might come back? Somewhat like losing your money, your pet budgie or maybe, a good friend. And one day, it does come back but... you can't accept it in your life again. That pain must have been unbearable huh? A friend wants you back in his life, you want him back too but you can't let it happen, fearing the same pain might be inflicted twice. Then after, you carry the honour of blaming yourself, for being the bad guy. For being that asshole who wants to protect himself from further pain. Yea, that summarizes how I feel.
I don't know what else I should feel, cause not many do understand. I know I cared for him more then anything. The only one I ever let inside. I was glad that conversation happened once again, to know that you still do care. But the void in my heart still remains. No one else will take that spot you once took, as a friend and as a brother. It doesn't matter if my bag of happiness runs out, as long as yours is always full. What else can I ask for? Then for my brother to be happy always.
It's not about missing you.
It's about finding.
I will find you.
*I'm sorry guys if the post was negative and dull. It's just my thoughts in 625 words.
